textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
