Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
