Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
