My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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