Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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