I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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