you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
