The maid of honor just puked.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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