Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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