had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
