There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
