Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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