you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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