You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
last night I used snow as a chaser
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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