I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
