I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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