Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
