i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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