it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
