So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
