I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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