Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
