just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
someone owes me an orgasm
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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