Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
