There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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