I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
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