When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
