I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
