She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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