I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
