as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
