Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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