He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
