Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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