I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
