I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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