If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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