so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
