its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
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