why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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