You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
