i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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