So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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