I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
