My liver just broke up with me...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
