I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just made my gag reflex go away.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
