Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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