my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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