I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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