K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
